The Most Patriotic Kind of Explosion is a Nuclear Explosion

obamastatueoflibertyPut your patriotism pants on sports fans because it’s that time of year again. That’s right; it’s time to celebrate our Nation’s Independence again as only the descendants of the freest people on Earth can. And I think our founding fathers would be more than proud of the America that we so enjoy today. Especially Charles Whitman and John Wilkes Booth, who both notarized the Declination of Interdependence in 1984, would be proud of today’s United States, which is a much freer nation precisely because we celebrate the Fourth of July with booze and fireworks. But this year’s Fourth of July festivities are guaranteed to be the most spectacular seen since Jesus Christ himself landed at Plymouth Rock henceforth manifesting America’s destiny. This year Americans are lined up to show their patriotism by supporting U.S. atmospheric atomic tests and turning the entire earth into one big commemorative bonfire. So get your marshmallows ready spectators, the party in the USA is about to get started.

In preparation for the Fourth, all of our great nation’s nuclear rocket’s, which have been saved since the cold war for this historic occasion, have been decorated with paintings depicting a red-white-and-blue eagle flipping the bird with one talon and brandishing an AT-4 rocket launcher with the other. Taking our freedom up a notch, our great leader recently updated the Statue of Liberty’s crown of spikes by commanding that they be retrofitted to brace Patriot Missile launchers to fire patriotic projectiles over the Atlantic Ocean at sunset. And this month US officials announced that the Liberty Bell has successfully been converted into a miniature, but fully-functional, replica of the fat man nuclear bomb, because if explosions are patriotic, nothing is more patriotic than nuclear arms.

If you can pay for the ticket, the place to be to watch this year’s worldwide extravaganza is one quick space shuttle trip away, courtesy of NSA. For a mere $100 Billion, you too can clink champagne glasses with the best and brightest while admiring mushroom clouds of celebration from the comfort of the Elysium space station. Rub shoulders with some of the world’s most powerful CEO’s, Prime Ministers, Presidents, pundits and military leaders, most of who are already there.

When questioned about where our barrage of missiles would eventually land, Military–Industrial–Freedom-plex spokesperson Daniel Düsseldorf shrugged and said:

“We constantly drop so many bombs worldwide we can’t even keep track of them most of the time anyway. The truth is, as long as the missiles are pointed in a patriotic direction, who cares where they land? In fact we’re hoping as many of them land in America as possible, because the rebuilding effort could be just what our floundering economy needs to kick-start a recovery. The destruction will create countless jobs.”

Düsseldorf, an exemplary patriot, also informed us that this year’s celebratory carpet bombings are also set to culminate with the complete nuclear evisceration of Earth’s moon. The moon’s decimation will be timed with precision choreography to explode at the exact moment that the National Anthem crescendos, as sung by our most patriotic Americans including Ke$ha, Katy Perry, Evel Knievel and that guy from Forrest Gump, who will together croon the National Anthem while wearing American flag themed apparel from the 2015 Donald Trump signature collection.

“I don’t want to ruin the ending for you,” said Düsseldorf, “but the color modeling is so precise that the moon’s explosion will create a giant, interstellar American flag in the night sky for several minutes.”

When asked how he will be celebrating July 4th 2015, local area resident Kent McPhail said, “I just hope the atmospheric nuclear explosion is close enough – the kids and I were gonna roast some weenies but I figure if the blast sphere is close enough we won’t need a fire or a barbecue – we’ll just point our weenies to the sky!”

When asked if he was excited, Northside resident Bubba Jethro exclaimed, “Hell yeah!” While tossing his empty Budweiser bottle up into the air over the Clark Fork River and unsuccessfully trying to shoot it out of the sky with a barrage of roman candles fired from a shoulder holster decorated with red-white-and-blue electrical tape. After the bottle had careened against the rocky riverbed below, Bubba continued, “I don’t even set off fireworks on the fourth anymore. He said gesturing towards his Radio Flyer full of fireworks, “This is all just a warm up. On the Fourth I sit in the front yard and fire my 12-gauge into the air – but in a real patriotic way, not like in an Afghan wedding sorta way.”

Freedom-loving, patriotic Americans agree that this year’s nuclear festivities will send a long-overdue message to the rest of the world that it’s not just killing millions of civilians that makes America the greatest country in the world. What makes America the greatest country in the world is the fact that while American-made stinger missiles reduce Palestinian schools to smoldering rubble we can throw back another six pack of Budweiser, but not outside, because only in a fascist country can you walk down the street with a beer without being arrested by freedom-squads. What makes America the greatest country in the world is the fact that while American-made Tomahawk missiles obliterate hospitals in Pakistan, we can surf the net on our slave-made iPhones, but always being careful of what we say, of course, because only in Communist countries are your communications private. What makes America the greatest country in the world is the fact that while predator drones make Yemeni children afraid of clear, blue skies above, we can celebrate our independence from having to care about crimes committed in the name of our national identity by looking into our skies as ceremonial showers of colored sparks cascade from Chinese-made artillery shells, raining down in an emblematic gesture of our God-given right to excess fueled by our superior military might, our Constitutionally guaranteed right to megalomaniac xenophobia as ordained by the supremacy of the one true race, and our legitimized ignorance as ordained by corporate necessity.

We’re the freest country on Earth, and that’s something to celebrate by drinking so much that we never tire of hearing all the stories of what we did that we can’t remember, eating so much barbecue that we puke red-white-and-blue all over our step-mother’s commemorative NASCAR plates, and shooting so many bottle rockets out of our nether regions that Emergency Rooms from sea to shining sea are filled with burn victims, providing a much-needed financial boost to our nation’s struggling hospitals.

In lieu of said burn victims, it’s worth noting that since the most serious firework-related injuries occur on the 4th of July, families are encouraged to detonate their explosives on the day before or the day after the 4th. If you do happen to get burned, it turns out the most effective treatment is to show your incinerated flesh to as many other people as possible, and continue drinking for the next 24 hours. To ensure individual safety, residents are encouraged to keep in mind that if a firework fails to ignite, there may be something wrong with it, and the best way to diagnose the problem is by examining the firework up close, watching carefully while you try reigniting it. But if proximity makes you anxious, then you want to plan things out early and figure out exactly which fireworks to get. Its key to remember when purchasing your fireworks that the bigger it is, the higher it will fly, and thus the less likely it is to hurt you. So always get fireworks that closely resemble military-grade weaponry, unless they are military-grade weaponry, which is the safest of all. But for the patriot who wishes to maximize safety, the best thing you can do is remember to be as far away as possible from the site of ignition. So instead of lighting the firework directly, set it off via a trail of gunpowder that’s at least 500 feet long. And in keeping with what the founding fathers of this country would have wanted, remember that fireworks cannot hurt you if you’re drunk.

If a veteran lives in your neighborhood, remember that they would prefer it if you launch your fireworks as close to their homes as possible. Veterans enjoy the loud explosions and rapid rapports of artillery shells and firecrackers because it reminds them of the good old days. But because many veterans are hard of hearing, you may have to aim your cannons directly at their houses to make sure they can hear them. This all goes for neighborhoods teeming with dogs as well. Our dogs must be encouraged to express their patriotism by barking long into the night, and fireworks are the perfect way to remind them to do this.

While certain aspects of your patriotism are directly proportionate to how much meat you can eat, how much beer you can drink, how many American flags you can surround yourself with, and how loud you can make your explosions, these are all just symbols of your ultimate patriotism. Above all remember that the most important way you can show your ultimate patriotism is to never question the wars this country wages, especially if anyone claims that they’re illegal, immoral, or unnecessary. War is what makes America, America. The day America isn’t at war is the day that America will cease to exist. In fact in America’s 239-year history, she’s been at war for 218 years. In over two centuries of existence, America has only known two decades of peace. George Washington laid down our modern doublethink foundations when he said, “If you wish for peace make ready for war,” because war is peace, freedom is slavery, ignorance is strength, and the most patriot kind of explosion, is a nuclear explosion.

us-flag-bombsGabrielle Lafayette is a journalist, writer, and executive producer for the Outer Limits Radio Show.
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Contact the research team at outerlimitsradioshow@fastmail.fm

Historically Self Evident

That’s right Kats and Kittens, another Independence Day extravaganza has passed us by. The conceptual Birthday of the United States of America, the Fourth of July is today a day of days when we celebrate, either with historic comprehension or ignorance, 239 years of a Nation’s progression beginning with the British colonies calling out King George on his unjust taxation, controlling oversight, and constrictions on the commerce and trade sought by the colonists, culminating in the creation of that fine historical document: the Declaration of Independence.

Now quite a lot has gone down in all that time…. 13 colonies became states and then multiplied into the now 50 stars on our iconic flag, not to mention at least six US Protectorates that include Guam, American Samoa and Puerto Rico, but no longer include Cuba or the Philippines. The Articles of Confederation became the United States Constitution and the Original 10 Amendments that make up our Bill of Rights have added such civil additions as the 13th Amendment ratified in 1865, that abolished slavery and involuntary servitude. Quickly followed by the 14th that granted citizenship, if of a 2nd-class nature, to all former slaves, though Jim Crow status remained in the diners, employment office and voter registrars – the 15th Amendment did grant voting rights to all Men no matter what their race or color… unless that is, they were descendants of the original peoples of the continent.

A mere 50 years later, radically pretentious women finally made such an undeniable ruckus that they too were granted the right to vote through the ratification of the 19th Amendment in 1920. And 4 years later an Act was signed by congress that granted all Native Americans citizenship as well as long as they were born on and after the effective date of the Indian Citizen Act, however citizenship was also acknowledged as long they renounced all ties to tribal governance and left the simplicity of their cultural heritage to don the short hair, itchy woolens and blistering shoes imposed upon the kidnapped natives forced to attend boarding schools. Still, many natives, like their counterparts descended from slaves or immigrated from African or Caribbean landscapes struggled to convince registrars to understand the law up until the mid 1950s and hopefully actually ended soon after Lyndon B. Johnson passed the Voting Rights Act of 1965. … hopefully… I mean, today, if you want to cast a vote in the continental United States, you just need have a serial number known today as a Social Security or Social Insurance Number, and a known residence, proven by way of a utility bill you pay. Of course you lose this right if you lose or can’t prove your residence, if you are found guilty of a federal crime – no matter how meager or unjust – if you aren’t listed at the polling place you are supposed to vote from, if a voting place is not provided for your community, if your name is the same as a deceased voter or a registered voter that has been convicted of a felony…. But vote, it really makes a difference… especially in the presidential election because that’s decided by the Electoral College regardless of the popular will.

Pretty exciting when in 1803 the US Government bought 828,000 square miles of land claimed by France in a smoking deal that came out to about 3 cents per acre. The Louisiana Purchase acquisition nearly doubled the land under political control of the 21 year-old Nation and launched the expedition of Lewis and Clark. That famous trek helped to inform much of the indigenous population of the new ownership of the land, promising peace and prosperity to every tribe -that rescinds any and all negotiations previously made and puts no real confidence in all negotiations forever to come. It also must’ve began some kind of mad hunger for more because the rest of the Continental US as it exists today was won through bloodily negotiated European treaties and cessations in another short 50 year period.

Our great nation was at some shining moment in the historical record commended with having the best education, the best healthcare and the mightiest military. A lot has changed, but at least we still have the mightiest military: black budgets, secret programs, DUMBases – the good ol’American Arms Industry stocking us up with the latest technology and selling last year’s obsolete weapons of war to both sides of civil disputes around the globe, increasing good ol’ multinational profits that remain free of taxation as well as lending a hand to multiple national GDPs. Implementing living-wage employment to contracted workers hired to slyly re-appropriate foreign resources and rebuild the despotism created by endless war declared on a shadow enemy pinned to pesky Democracies that think they can show up our claim to be.

Once we had a President who sewed his own clothes, could ballroom dance beautifully and had a complex and vigorous business all at the age of 12-years-old. Today’s American 12-year-olds are allocated to public school stockades, where they face the inevitable lottery of being herded into a room either with an intelligent, compassionate and imaginative guide, or one who resents not being paid enough for unaccounted hours of creating lesson plans that need to be recreated every three years as the national standards for acceptable comprehension change as well as the nightly task of checking homework and grading essays and could give a flying fuck if you appear to be listening, because everybody enjoys learning from a heartless prick who takes their job far too seriously for not doing it well at all – or because you’ve learned to aim you petrified face toward the front of the room with that particular gaze because you have taken it upon yourself to believe wholeheartedly that if Medusa already thinks you’ve turned to stone she won’t even look at you.

If their lucky, our Nation’s patriotic youth will have a parent who can spare a few scant moments to prep a nutritious organic, non-GMO selection and get it packed up for lunch before hustling them off to walk, bike, ride the bus, or car-pool with mom to the daily institutionalization. If their lucky, the lunchroom bullies – aggressive and irate with their lunchtime sugar-crash fatigue driven by the frosted flakes or their generic counterparts they demand for breakfast – won’t even recognize the delicious nature of our foodie child’s Rawmeal-cranberry-apricot smoothie; tamari seasoned sunflower seeds or nori seaweed snacks. If their lucky, the utter alien appearance of such a lunch and complete lack of a high-fructose filled beverages won’t attract said bullies to the obvious target of someone so differently cared for that a veritable cafeteria war will be sparked as malnourished children across the fluorescent-lit room simultaneously receive the cue that they are members of the greater mass and victory will surely be won.

Ah but our American youngsters are in this way learning the intricacies of our acceptable homogenous behaviors. Soon, beginning as early as kindergarten, in schools across our great country, little tykes will be glued to ipad screens, not because they forgot to wipe the Elmer’s off their sensitive little digits, but because they will finally understand the fascination of the touchscreen world they have hitherto been denied, while their parents, despite working 2 and 3 jobs respectively, still cannot afford the new-age little gadgets and the monthly tithes necessary to keep it connected to the cyber universe. Ah who am I kidding, we all know the only schools that will be able to afford a contract with Apple — I mean, “eligible to supply such necessary tools for the economic advancement of the Nation’s best and brightest,” will of course be designated by the standardized testing of the best and brightest, thereby assuring that such technology is not wasted on the failing students of our most over-crowded, under-funded, and forgotten drop-out factories.

The exciting days when we burned the witches of the woodland towns of the East have returned in our struggles to end the absurdity of natural birth and birth control proselytized by the primitive cult of midwifery; to patent every wild root, bark, leaf, fruit and seed not yet extinct in order that the so-called ‘naturopaths’ fade into woodland mythology like Bigfoot and Yeti, that the true developers of the medical industry reap their self-regulated and Free-Trade ordained profits by laboratory recreated chemical compounds completely foreign to our inherent biology that was once kept healthy by chewing on identifiable herbs and fruits provided freely by the savagery of shared knowledge and the treacherous denial of personal, corporate, and national ownership.

We’ve nearly destroyed the now over 100 year headache of the union-backed labor movement, and will be celebrating the final end to the ludicrous, civilian-led War against our imperial right to dictate wage enslavement upon each and every American ghetto and rural village… I mean of course the complete and utter, “Freedom of every Red-blooded and red–necked American from the tyranny of welfare assistance such as food stamps and social security.”

Corporate Industrial Persons shall once again be the sole proprietors of government sanctioned annuity, for the well fare of all the poor monopolies and oligarchies that have created the insanely inefficient, corrupt and environmentally destructive businesses on which the blissfully apathetic, perverted, and dysfunctional consumers of today thrive.

Well, that’s quite labyrinthine, if still an unacceptably brief, cannon of our Great Nation’s history.

If you’re reading this you’re well on your way now,

It’s fun to be independent, but you have to know HOW.

I know it seems bleak beneath every possible addiction,

But we shine with a message, satirical, NOT Fiction!

This team called the Outer Limits Radio Show,

Will help you decipher the gold from the glow.

For candidates are coming, their campaigns artificially designed to seem yummy.

But why be forced to choose, between Thing One or Thing Two,

When both play to the tunes of the lobbyist’s croons,

While spewing bluffs to crowds, paid to swoon?

NDB4Alexandria Rain Smith is a host, producer and Senior Editor for the Outer Limits Radio Show
Catch the cloudcast at mixcloud.com/outerlimitsradioshow
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Contact the research team at outerlimitsradioshow@fastmail.fm