Put your patriotism pants on sports fans because it’s that time of year again. That’s right; it’s time to celebrate our Nation’s Independence again as only the descendants of the freest people on Earth can. And I think our founding fathers would be more than proud of the America that we so enjoy today. Especially Charles Whitman and John Wilkes Booth, who both notarized the Declination of Interdependence in 1984, would be proud of today’s United States, which is a much freer nation precisely because we celebrate the Fourth of July with booze and fireworks. But this year’s Fourth of July festivities are guaranteed to be the most spectacular seen since Jesus Christ himself landed at Plymouth Rock henceforth manifesting America’s destiny. This year Americans are lined up to show their patriotism by supporting U.S. atmospheric atomic tests and turning the entire earth into one big commemorative bonfire. So get your marshmallows ready spectators, the party in the USA is about to get started.
In preparation for the Fourth, all of our great nation’s nuclear rocket’s, which have been saved since the cold war for this historic occasion, have been decorated with paintings depicting a red-white-and-blue eagle flipping the bird with one talon and brandishing an AT-4 rocket launcher with the other. Taking our freedom up a notch, our great leader recently updated the Statue of Liberty’s crown of spikes by commanding that they be retrofitted to brace Patriot Missile launchers to fire patriotic projectiles over the Atlantic Ocean at sunset. And this month US officials announced that the Liberty Bell has successfully been converted into a miniature, but fully-functional, replica of the fat man nuclear bomb, because if explosions are patriotic, nothing is more patriotic than nuclear arms.
If you can pay for the ticket, the place to be to watch this year’s worldwide extravaganza is one quick space shuttle trip away, courtesy of NSA. For a mere $100 Billion, you too can clink champagne glasses with the best and brightest while admiring mushroom clouds of celebration from the comfort of the Elysium space station. Rub shoulders with some of the world’s most powerful CEO’s, Prime Ministers, Presidents, pundits and military leaders, most of who are already there.
When questioned about where our barrage of missiles would eventually land, Military–Industrial–Freedom-plex spokesperson Daniel Düsseldorf shrugged and said:
“We constantly drop so many bombs worldwide we can’t even keep track of them most of the time anyway. The truth is, as long as the missiles are pointed in a patriotic direction, who cares where they land? In fact we’re hoping as many of them land in America as possible, because the rebuilding effort could be just what our floundering economy needs to kick-start a recovery. The destruction will create countless jobs.”
Düsseldorf, an exemplary patriot, also informed us that this year’s celebratory carpet bombings are also set to culminate with the complete nuclear evisceration of Earth’s moon. The moon’s decimation will be timed with precision choreography to explode at the exact moment that the National Anthem crescendos, as sung by our most patriotic Americans including Ke$ha, Katy Perry, Evel Knievel and that guy from Forrest Gump, who will together croon the National Anthem while wearing American flag themed apparel from the 2015 Donald Trump signature collection.
“I don’t want to ruin the ending for you,” said Düsseldorf, “but the color modeling is so precise that the moon’s explosion will create a giant, interstellar American flag in the night sky for several minutes.”
When asked how he will be celebrating July 4th 2015, local area resident Kent McPhail said, “I just hope the atmospheric nuclear explosion is close enough – the kids and I were gonna roast some weenies but I figure if the blast sphere is close enough we won’t need a fire or a barbecue – we’ll just point our weenies to the sky!”
When asked if he was excited, Northside resident Bubba Jethro exclaimed, “Hell yeah!” While tossing his empty Budweiser bottle up into the air over the Clark Fork River and unsuccessfully trying to shoot it out of the sky with a barrage of roman candles fired from a shoulder holster decorated with red-white-and-blue electrical tape. After the bottle had careened against the rocky riverbed below, Bubba continued, “I don’t even set off fireworks on the fourth anymore. He said gesturing towards his Radio Flyer full of fireworks, “This is all just a warm up. On the Fourth I sit in the front yard and fire my 12-gauge into the air – but in a real patriotic way, not like in an Afghan wedding sorta way.”
Freedom-loving, patriotic Americans agree that this year’s nuclear festivities will send a long-overdue message to the rest of the world that it’s not just killing millions of civilians that makes America the greatest country in the world. What makes America the greatest country in the world is the fact that while American-made stinger missiles reduce Palestinian schools to smoldering rubble we can throw back another six pack of Budweiser, but not outside, because only in a fascist country can you walk down the street with a beer without being arrested by freedom-squads. What makes America the greatest country in the world is the fact that while American-made Tomahawk missiles obliterate hospitals in Pakistan, we can surf the net on our slave-made iPhones, but always being careful of what we say, of course, because only in Communist countries are your communications private. What makes America the greatest country in the world is the fact that while predator drones make Yemeni children afraid of clear, blue skies above, we can celebrate our independence from having to care about crimes committed in the name of our national identity by looking into our skies as ceremonial showers of colored sparks cascade from Chinese-made artillery shells, raining down in an emblematic gesture of our God-given right to excess fueled by our superior military might, our Constitutionally guaranteed right to megalomaniac xenophobia as ordained by the supremacy of the one true race, and our legitimized ignorance as ordained by corporate necessity.
We’re the freest country on Earth, and that’s something to celebrate by drinking so much that we never tire of hearing all the stories of what we did that we can’t remember, eating so much barbecue that we puke red-white-and-blue all over our step-mother’s commemorative NASCAR plates, and shooting so many bottle rockets out of our nether regions that Emergency Rooms from sea to shining sea are filled with burn victims, providing a much-needed financial boost to our nation’s struggling hospitals.
In lieu of said burn victims, it’s worth noting that since the most serious firework-related injuries occur on the 4th of July, families are encouraged to detonate their explosives on the day before or the day after the 4th. If you do happen to get burned, it turns out the most effective treatment is to show your incinerated flesh to as many other people as possible, and continue drinking for the next 24 hours. To ensure individual safety, residents are encouraged to keep in mind that if a firework fails to ignite, there may be something wrong with it, and the best way to diagnose the problem is by examining the firework up close, watching carefully while you try reigniting it. But if proximity makes you anxious, then you want to plan things out early and figure out exactly which fireworks to get. Its key to remember when purchasing your fireworks that the bigger it is, the higher it will fly, and thus the less likely it is to hurt you. So always get fireworks that closely resemble military-grade weaponry, unless they are military-grade weaponry, which is the safest of all. But for the patriot who wishes to maximize safety, the best thing you can do is remember to be as far away as possible from the site of ignition. So instead of lighting the firework directly, set it off via a trail of gunpowder that’s at least 500 feet long. And in keeping with what the founding fathers of this country would have wanted, remember that fireworks cannot hurt you if you’re drunk.
If a veteran lives in your neighborhood, remember that they would prefer it if you launch your fireworks as close to their homes as possible. Veterans enjoy the loud explosions and rapid rapports of artillery shells and firecrackers because it reminds them of the good old days. But because many veterans are hard of hearing, you may have to aim your cannons directly at their houses to make sure they can hear them. This all goes for neighborhoods teeming with dogs as well. Our dogs must be encouraged to express their patriotism by barking long into the night, and fireworks are the perfect way to remind them to do this.
While certain aspects of your patriotism are directly proportionate to how much meat you can eat, how much beer you can drink, how many American flags you can surround yourself with, and how loud you can make your explosions, these are all just symbols of your ultimate patriotism. Above all remember that the most important way you can show your ultimate patriotism is to never question the wars this country wages, especially if anyone claims that they’re illegal, immoral, or unnecessary. War is what makes America, America. The day America isn’t at war is the day that America will cease to exist. In fact in America’s 239-year history, she’s been at war for 218 years. In over two centuries of existence, America has only known two decades of peace. George Washington laid down our modern doublethink foundations when he said, “If you wish for peace make ready for war,” because war is peace, freedom is slavery, ignorance is strength, and the most patriot kind of explosion, is a nuclear explosion.
Gabrielle Lafayette is a journalist, writer, and executive producer for the Outer Limits Radio Show.
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