A Humanitarian Declaration of Independence

On this July 4th , 2015, we ponder the Declaration of Independence for which the July holiday is celebrated. Every dissenting American and every Earthly citizen who sees corrupt injustice perpetuated through the actions of their governments would do well to read or reread this document in the near future. But before you do, from our place here in the sovereign glacial lake valley of Missoula, Montana, we have taken the liberty to re-imagine and redraft a modern Declaration of Independence that we would be willing to sign today; being aware of the corporate-funded infiltration of our American and other governments, as well as the elite oligarchy’s seemingly unstoppable tentacles that unceasingly smothering any pursuit of life, liberty or happiness…


When in the Course of Global Evolution, it becomes necessary for a diverse populace to dissolve the political bands which have segregated them from one another, and to acknowledge among the powers of the Earth, the interdependent and equitable experience to which the fluidity of Nature and a Natural Energy provide to them, a decent respect to the opinions of humankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the diverge from such bands.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all Humans are created equal, that they are endowed by Creation with unalienable experiences which are their birthright, among which are Love, Nourishment, and the pursuit of Health- with the freedom and liberty to decipher and choose what the course of those experiences mean to each individual. –That to secure these experiences, Governments are instituted among Humans, deriving their just guidance from the consent of the governed. –That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its abilities in such form, as all people and the ecological foundations on which they depend shall seem most likely to cohesively and diversely prosper. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience has shown, that humankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the conditions to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and profit-driven seizures of political will, pursuing invariably the same Object reveals a design to reduce them under absolute Control, it is their responsibility, it is their duty, to disband such Government, and to provide new Guardians for their future stability. –Such has been the patient sufferance of these Natives, Immigrants, Migrants and Refugees; and such is now the necessity which dictates them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present United States of America as well as the corporate homogenization of all global culture and human endeavor is a history of repeated injuries, intentional misrepresentation, and unethical justifications all having the direct ambition to establish an absolute Tyranny over all the peoples of the world. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

Corporate infiltration of the Legislative branch has undermined civilian initiatives intended to create, challenge, and rewrite Laws intended to be most wholesome and necessary for the public good.

Duopolistic, Bipartisan politics guided by corporate monopoly ownership of nearly all media sources destroys our ability to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, often suspended in committee until forgotten; and when brought before the House and Congress they are amended into oblivion and otherwise stripped of all original intention rendering impossible the meaningful action with which they were drafted.

They have created for themselves a privileged New World of instantaneous communication and monetary transactions unusual, incomprehensible, distant, and omitted from the depository of public Records. They have commoditized every necessity of a citizen’s life in order that we must earn income to survive, most often in the form of wage-slavery driven by austerity and compulsory debt for the sole purpose of fatiguing us into compliance with measures imposed in our deficit of time necessary for comprehension.

Our Constitutional Rights have been dissolved through once Representative Houses repeatedly, while citizens have with non-violent firmness opposed such degradations of the rights of the people.

The use of voting machines – created by corporations with dubious political connections, that keep no tangible documentation of votes cast, with software proven to be easily manipulated – even after numerous elections with problematic and suspect results, sullies the democratic process into nothing more than a symbolic farce. After such dissolutions of accountability in a citizen’s right to choose Representation, in order to cause others to be elected; whereby the Legislative powers, incapable of Annihilation, have been revoked from the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the meantime exposed to all the seduction of bribery and intimidation of blackmail from without and within.


The Administration of Justice has been obstructed, by passing Assent to unconstitutional Acts that allow Executive and Judiciary powers to deny due process of law to national citizens.

Politicians are now dependent on the Will of corporations who provide their campaign contributions, for the tenure of their offices.

They have erected a multitude of New Offices including the USDA, the FDA, Homeland Security, the FISA court, NSA, IRS, BLM alongside many others, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harrass the poor and devour their substance.

They have waged countless wars without the Consent of our legislatures, perpetrating military actions in, Philippines, Korea, Vietnam, Iran, Guatemala, Lebanon, Haiti, Congo, Cuba, Laos, Ecuador, Brazil, Indonesia, Dominican Republic, Ghana, Cambodia, Oman, Chile, Angola, Libya, El Salvador, Nicaragua, Grenada, Bolivia, Panama, Iraq, Somalia, Yugoslavia, Bosnia, Croatia, Sudan, Afghanistan, Kenya, Ethiopia, and Yemen without asking for a formal declaration of war from Congress.

They have Militarized the police and rendered Admiralty courtrooms independent of and superior to the Common Law jurisdiction laid down by the Magna Carta (the 800-year old seminal document that laid down the entire basis of law for western society).

These Corporate Entities that disguise the human players responsible for decisions made in collaboration with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to the natural laws of this land, and unacknowledged by our laws as understood; giving Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:

  • For training large bodies of armed, ignorant, and mercenary troops and enforcers to be used against the American people:
  • For protecting said enforcers, by mock Trials, from punishment for any crimes and Murders which they should commit on the unarmed inhabitants of these United States:
  • For eviscerating genuine, fair Trade with all parts of the world by enshrining corporate dictatorship through NAFTA, the WTO, and now the TPP, T-TIP, and TISA:
  • For imposing a litany of unconstitutional, unapportioned Taxes on us without our Consent:
  • For depriving us of the benefits of Trial by Jury by using fear tactics to pressure defendants into accepting unscrupulous plea deals or imposing draconian sentences upon those who choose to exercise their right to a fair trial:
  • For transporting citizens beyond our National Borders to be held in undisclosed prisons, where torture is inflicted (despite all proof that it does not lead to substantive confessions) and then tried for pretended offences in secret courts:
  • For systematically abolishing the free and democratically created Law systems in other countries, establishing therein Arbitrary governments in their now defunct democratic societies:
  • For abolishing our most valuable Laws such as the Glass-Steagall act, and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:
  • For allowing executive orders that suspend our own Legislatures, and declaring persons invested with power given through fraudulent elections to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.

They have abdicated the rule of law here, by declaring dissidents to be terrorists and waging War against them.

They have plundered our seas with toxic and radioactive waste, ravaged our Coasts with gargantuan oil spills, poisoned our waters with oil exploration and hydraulic fracturing, impoverished our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.

They are at this time amassing large Armies of natural and foreign Mercenaries employed by the likes of Blackwater and Triple-Canopy to complete the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & infidelity scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.

They have constrained our fellow Citizens in the National Guard and police forces to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.

They have excited worldwide insurrections and have endeavored to arm and fund one war lord after the next in order to scare the world into submission.


In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble as well as with steadfast assemblies: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated dismissal, deceptive proposals and injury. All claims to be a Democratic Republic Government whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant and fascist tyranny, is unfit to rule a free people.


Nor have We been wanting in attentions to all our other Earthly brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by our legislature and the crones who puppet them to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over them. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here, as well as the burden such an exodus has imposed upon the original inhabitants of this land, historical motives, events, and repercussions for which we seek to offer reparation. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have sought them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these thefts, that have invariably interrupted our connections and now spy on our correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and comfort of common ground. We must, therefore, adapt in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Criminals in War, deception, and manipulation, in Peace, vulnerability, and cooperation, Friends.


We, therefore, as sovereign occupants of the lands of the Earth, appealing to the Higher Heart/Mind of the Human Race for the decency of our intentions, do, in the Name and by the Authority of the good People of these Lands, solemnly publish and declare, That all of our governing institutions are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent from profit-driven imprisonment and perpetual war; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to, and that all political connection between them and the State of Deception, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent People, they have full Power to end War, establish Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent Peoples may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Unified Kinship, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Prosperity and our sacred Honor.


The Most Patriotic Kind of Explosion is a Nuclear Explosion

obamastatueoflibertyPut your patriotism pants on sports fans because it’s that time of year again. That’s right; it’s time to celebrate our Nation’s Independence again as only the descendants of the freest people on Earth can. And I think our founding fathers would be more than proud of the America that we so enjoy today. Especially Charles Whitman and John Wilkes Booth, who both notarized the Declination of Interdependence in 1984, would be proud of today’s United States, which is a much freer nation precisely because we celebrate the Fourth of July with booze and fireworks. But this year’s Fourth of July festivities are guaranteed to be the most spectacular seen since Jesus Christ himself landed at Plymouth Rock henceforth manifesting America’s destiny. This year Americans are lined up to show their patriotism by supporting U.S. atmospheric atomic tests and turning the entire earth into one big commemorative bonfire. So get your marshmallows ready spectators, the party in the USA is about to get started.

In preparation for the Fourth, all of our great nation’s nuclear rocket’s, which have been saved since the cold war for this historic occasion, have been decorated with paintings depicting a red-white-and-blue eagle flipping the bird with one talon and brandishing an AT-4 rocket launcher with the other. Taking our freedom up a notch, our great leader recently updated the Statue of Liberty’s crown of spikes by commanding that they be retrofitted to brace Patriot Missile launchers to fire patriotic projectiles over the Atlantic Ocean at sunset. And this month US officials announced that the Liberty Bell has successfully been converted into a miniature, but fully-functional, replica of the fat man nuclear bomb, because if explosions are patriotic, nothing is more patriotic than nuclear arms.

If you can pay for the ticket, the place to be to watch this year’s worldwide extravaganza is one quick space shuttle trip away, courtesy of NSA. For a mere $100 Billion, you too can clink champagne glasses with the best and brightest while admiring mushroom clouds of celebration from the comfort of the Elysium space station. Rub shoulders with some of the world’s most powerful CEO’s, Prime Ministers, Presidents, pundits and military leaders, most of who are already there.

When questioned about where our barrage of missiles would eventually land, Military–Industrial–Freedom-plex spokesperson Daniel Düsseldorf shrugged and said:

“We constantly drop so many bombs worldwide we can’t even keep track of them most of the time anyway. The truth is, as long as the missiles are pointed in a patriotic direction, who cares where they land? In fact we’re hoping as many of them land in America as possible, because the rebuilding effort could be just what our floundering economy needs to kick-start a recovery. The destruction will create countless jobs.”

Düsseldorf, an exemplary patriot, also informed us that this year’s celebratory carpet bombings are also set to culminate with the complete nuclear evisceration of Earth’s moon. The moon’s decimation will be timed with precision choreography to explode at the exact moment that the National Anthem crescendos, as sung by our most patriotic Americans including Ke$ha, Katy Perry, Evel Knievel and that guy from Forrest Gump, who will together croon the National Anthem while wearing American flag themed apparel from the 2015 Donald Trump signature collection.

“I don’t want to ruin the ending for you,” said Düsseldorf, “but the color modeling is so precise that the moon’s explosion will create a giant, interstellar American flag in the night sky for several minutes.”

When asked how he will be celebrating July 4th 2015, local area resident Kent McPhail said, “I just hope the atmospheric nuclear explosion is close enough – the kids and I were gonna roast some weenies but I figure if the blast sphere is close enough we won’t need a fire or a barbecue – we’ll just point our weenies to the sky!”

When asked if he was excited, Northside resident Bubba Jethro exclaimed, “Hell yeah!” While tossing his empty Budweiser bottle up into the air over the Clark Fork River and unsuccessfully trying to shoot it out of the sky with a barrage of roman candles fired from a shoulder holster decorated with red-white-and-blue electrical tape. After the bottle had careened against the rocky riverbed below, Bubba continued, “I don’t even set off fireworks on the fourth anymore. He said gesturing towards his Radio Flyer full of fireworks, “This is all just a warm up. On the Fourth I sit in the front yard and fire my 12-gauge into the air – but in a real patriotic way, not like in an Afghan wedding sorta way.”

Freedom-loving, patriotic Americans agree that this year’s nuclear festivities will send a long-overdue message to the rest of the world that it’s not just killing millions of civilians that makes America the greatest country in the world. What makes America the greatest country in the world is the fact that while American-made stinger missiles reduce Palestinian schools to smoldering rubble we can throw back another six pack of Budweiser, but not outside, because only in a fascist country can you walk down the street with a beer without being arrested by freedom-squads. What makes America the greatest country in the world is the fact that while American-made Tomahawk missiles obliterate hospitals in Pakistan, we can surf the net on our slave-made iPhones, but always being careful of what we say, of course, because only in Communist countries are your communications private. What makes America the greatest country in the world is the fact that while predator drones make Yemeni children afraid of clear, blue skies above, we can celebrate our independence from having to care about crimes committed in the name of our national identity by looking into our skies as ceremonial showers of colored sparks cascade from Chinese-made artillery shells, raining down in an emblematic gesture of our God-given right to excess fueled by our superior military might, our Constitutionally guaranteed right to megalomaniac xenophobia as ordained by the supremacy of the one true race, and our legitimized ignorance as ordained by corporate necessity.

We’re the freest country on Earth, and that’s something to celebrate by drinking so much that we never tire of hearing all the stories of what we did that we can’t remember, eating so much barbecue that we puke red-white-and-blue all over our step-mother’s commemorative NASCAR plates, and shooting so many bottle rockets out of our nether regions that Emergency Rooms from sea to shining sea are filled with burn victims, providing a much-needed financial boost to our nation’s struggling hospitals.

In lieu of said burn victims, it’s worth noting that since the most serious firework-related injuries occur on the 4th of July, families are encouraged to detonate their explosives on the day before or the day after the 4th. If you do happen to get burned, it turns out the most effective treatment is to show your incinerated flesh to as many other people as possible, and continue drinking for the next 24 hours. To ensure individual safety, residents are encouraged to keep in mind that if a firework fails to ignite, there may be something wrong with it, and the best way to diagnose the problem is by examining the firework up close, watching carefully while you try reigniting it. But if proximity makes you anxious, then you want to plan things out early and figure out exactly which fireworks to get. Its key to remember when purchasing your fireworks that the bigger it is, the higher it will fly, and thus the less likely it is to hurt you. So always get fireworks that closely resemble military-grade weaponry, unless they are military-grade weaponry, which is the safest of all. But for the patriot who wishes to maximize safety, the best thing you can do is remember to be as far away as possible from the site of ignition. So instead of lighting the firework directly, set it off via a trail of gunpowder that’s at least 500 feet long. And in keeping with what the founding fathers of this country would have wanted, remember that fireworks cannot hurt you if you’re drunk.

If a veteran lives in your neighborhood, remember that they would prefer it if you launch your fireworks as close to their homes as possible. Veterans enjoy the loud explosions and rapid rapports of artillery shells and firecrackers because it reminds them of the good old days. But because many veterans are hard of hearing, you may have to aim your cannons directly at their houses to make sure they can hear them. This all goes for neighborhoods teeming with dogs as well. Our dogs must be encouraged to express their patriotism by barking long into the night, and fireworks are the perfect way to remind them to do this.

While certain aspects of your patriotism are directly proportionate to how much meat you can eat, how much beer you can drink, how many American flags you can surround yourself with, and how loud you can make your explosions, these are all just symbols of your ultimate patriotism. Above all remember that the most important way you can show your ultimate patriotism is to never question the wars this country wages, especially if anyone claims that they’re illegal, immoral, or unnecessary. War is what makes America, America. The day America isn’t at war is the day that America will cease to exist. In fact in America’s 239-year history, she’s been at war for 218 years. In over two centuries of existence, America has only known two decades of peace. George Washington laid down our modern doublethink foundations when he said, “If you wish for peace make ready for war,” because war is peace, freedom is slavery, ignorance is strength, and the most patriot kind of explosion, is a nuclear explosion.

us-flag-bombsGabrielle Lafayette is a journalist, writer, and executive producer for the Outer Limits Radio Show.
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